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Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Adam
25 years ago this month I had a baby boy. He didn't live long on this earth but will live forever in my heart. I wanted to capture my memories of his short life so that even after I am gone there will be some record of him. I do not want him to be forgotten. I am not a very good writer - but am going to share with you this rambling, recollection of that day...
Saturday, April 4, 1987 started as an ordinary day. My husband, at the time, Chuck, was out of town for work as he often was. I was 8 months pregnant and everything seemed to be going well. The baby was due on April 28. I remember going shopping that day for birthday presents for Chuck. His birthday was the next day. I wrapped his gifts and then went to the grocery store. While standing in the checkout line - I felt a small gush of water. I wasn't sure what had happened. I was only 24 and had never been pregnant before. It wasn't like what you see in the movies, when someone's water breaks. Rather than a big gush of water and a puddle on the floor - mine was a bit more like a tiny leak. No one but me even knew anything had happened. I continued checking out and left the store.
I probably took the groceries home at that point but I don't really remember. I know that I kept leaking and wasn't sure what to do - so I went to the bowling alley where my parents were in a league on Saturday nights. I told Mom I thought my water broke and they took me to the hospital. I was examined and the nurse confirmed that my water had broken. That meant I was staying and my baby would be born within the next 24 hours or so. I had not started labor and never felt any contractions. They did a sonogram to check things out and found that the baby was breech. I am sure at this point they also noticed other things that weren't quite right, but they didn't tell me. I had not had a sonogram since the very beginning of the pregnancy and I assumed all was just fine. I did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl. From the sonogram, they determined that I would need a c-section, due to the breech position and they scheduled it for the next morning. I don't remember much else about that night. At some point, in the middle of the night, Chuck showed up. I am not sure how we got a hold of him. This was before cell phones and I never really knew where he was when he left town. The next morning - Sunday, April 5, 1987 - they prepped me for a c-section. I remember that they had a really hard time giving me an epidural. It took several tries. Probably a good thing I wasn't in labor at the time. I wish my memory was more clear about this day but it is all a bit fuzzy. Earlier in my pregnancy, Chuck said he would not be in the delivery room with me. He thought father's should be in the waiting room. Really?! Anyway, in the end, he was there during the birth. I remember the c-section and the baby being born. They said it was a boy. I heard a small cry and kept asking how he was. They didn't give him to me to hold. They took him away to clean him up and such - or so I thought. He weighed 7 pounds 2 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long. He was born at 10:58am. We switched to daylight savings time that weekend. At some point I made it back to my room. I wanted to see him but still hadn't. My legs were still numb from the epidural and I couldn't get out for bed. I wanted to get up and go to where ever he was but I couldn't. I don't really remember the doctor's coming to talk to us but I am sure they did. We found out his lungs weren't fully developed and they were having to help him breathe. I sort of remember someone wheeling my bed to the window of the nursery and seeing him from a distance. They then said they needed to take him to Children's Mercy Hospital. Before they took him they finally brought him to my room in an incubator. They were using a bag to help him breathe. I was able to put my hand through a hole in the incubator and touch his hand.
He squeezed my finger. That I will never forget. Then they took him away. I only saw him for a minute. Chuck went with him to Children's Mercy. I stayed helplessly behind, unable to get out bed. We named him Adam Charles Willis.
He died at Children's Mercy Hospital at around 7:00pm. His life on this earth lasted a much too short 8 hours. I do not remember who told me or how I handled it. They asked if I wanted to see him. I did. Chuck was back by then and they brought him to us wrapped in a blanket. He was so still. I remember Chuck crying. I don't remember myself crying. I think I was still in denial. I am glad I got to hold him but wish I had spent more time with him and really looked at him and memorized his little face. I don't know how long they let us hold him but it seemed like only a few minutes and then he was gone. All we had left were two Polaroid pictures and a book that contained his hand and foot prints and a lock of his hair. His hair was brown like mine.
I really don't remember much after that. We had a graveside service for him at Shawnee Mission Memory Gardens. He was buried in a little blue outfit and with a stuffed animal I had bought him. My family was all there as well as some close friends. I hadn't really thought about it before - but I do not remember any of
Chuck's family being there - only mine. After the service we should have gone back to my mom and dad's with everyone but we didn't. We took off driving in Chuck's truck. I have no idea where we went. I am sorry to my parents for running away that day. I can't really remember whether it was my idea or Chuck's - but he did have a big influence on me back then. I pretty much let him rule my life - but that's a whole nother story.
They diagnosed Adam with Potter's Syndrome. Basically there was a problem with his kidneys. This caused a lack of amniotic fluid. That is why, when my water broke, it wasn't a big gush. There wasn't enough fluid to gush. Because of the lack of fluid - his lungs were not able to fully develop and that is why he could not breathe on his own. Even if we had known earlier in the pregnancy that something was wrong - there was probably nothing that could have been done to save him. Maybe I should be grateful
that I got to spend the last weeks of my pregnancy unaware of the grief that would follow.
So that is my memory of the day my baby boy came into and left this world. Memory is a funny thing. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be one of the few people who can recall every moment of their life. I could see where that could be a blessing and a curse. Somethings would be great to remember in great detail and others you would rather forget. The day Adam was born contained both but mostly things I want to remember in great detail. I want him to be remembered.
I probably took the groceries home at that point but I don't really remember. I know that I kept leaking and wasn't sure what to do - so I went to the bowling alley where my parents were in a league on Saturday nights. I told Mom I thought my water broke and they took me to the hospital. I was examined and the nurse confirmed that my water had broken. That meant I was staying and my baby would be born within the next 24 hours or so. I had not started labor and never felt any contractions. They did a sonogram to check things out and found that the baby was breech. I am sure at this point they also noticed other things that weren't quite right, but they didn't tell me. I had not had a sonogram since the very beginning of the pregnancy and I assumed all was just fine. I did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl. From the sonogram, they determined that I would need a c-section, due to the breech position and they scheduled it for the next morning. I don't remember much else about that night. At some point, in the middle of the night, Chuck showed up. I am not sure how we got a hold of him. This was before cell phones and I never really knew where he was when he left town. The next morning - Sunday, April 5, 1987 - they prepped me for a c-section. I remember that they had a really hard time giving me an epidural. It took several tries. Probably a good thing I wasn't in labor at the time. I wish my memory was more clear about this day but it is all a bit fuzzy. Earlier in my pregnancy, Chuck said he would not be in the delivery room with me. He thought father's should be in the waiting room. Really?! Anyway, in the end, he was there during the birth. I remember the c-section and the baby being born. They said it was a boy. I heard a small cry and kept asking how he was. They didn't give him to me to hold. They took him away to clean him up and such - or so I thought. He weighed 7 pounds 2 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long. He was born at 10:58am. We switched to daylight savings time that weekend. At some point I made it back to my room. I wanted to see him but still hadn't. My legs were still numb from the epidural and I couldn't get out for bed. I wanted to get up and go to where ever he was but I couldn't. I don't really remember the doctor's coming to talk to us but I am sure they did. We found out his lungs weren't fully developed and they were having to help him breathe. I sort of remember someone wheeling my bed to the window of the nursery and seeing him from a distance. They then said they needed to take him to Children's Mercy Hospital. Before they took him they finally brought him to my room in an incubator. They were using a bag to help him breathe. I was able to put my hand through a hole in the incubator and touch his hand.
He squeezed my finger. That I will never forget. Then they took him away. I only saw him for a minute. Chuck went with him to Children's Mercy. I stayed helplessly behind, unable to get out bed. We named him Adam Charles Willis.
He died at Children's Mercy Hospital at around 7:00pm. His life on this earth lasted a much too short 8 hours. I do not remember who told me or how I handled it. They asked if I wanted to see him. I did. Chuck was back by then and they brought him to us wrapped in a blanket. He was so still. I remember Chuck crying. I don't remember myself crying. I think I was still in denial. I am glad I got to hold him but wish I had spent more time with him and really looked at him and memorized his little face. I don't know how long they let us hold him but it seemed like only a few minutes and then he was gone. All we had left were two Polaroid pictures and a book that contained his hand and foot prints and a lock of his hair. His hair was brown like mine.
I really don't remember much after that. We had a graveside service for him at Shawnee Mission Memory Gardens. He was buried in a little blue outfit and with a stuffed animal I had bought him. My family was all there as well as some close friends. I hadn't really thought about it before - but I do not remember any of
Chuck's family being there - only mine. After the service we should have gone back to my mom and dad's with everyone but we didn't. We took off driving in Chuck's truck. I have no idea where we went. I am sorry to my parents for running away that day. I can't really remember whether it was my idea or Chuck's - but he did have a big influence on me back then. I pretty much let him rule my life - but that's a whole nother story.
They diagnosed Adam with Potter's Syndrome. Basically there was a problem with his kidneys. This caused a lack of amniotic fluid. That is why, when my water broke, it wasn't a big gush. There wasn't enough fluid to gush. Because of the lack of fluid - his lungs were not able to fully develop and that is why he could not breathe on his own. Even if we had known earlier in the pregnancy that something was wrong - there was probably nothing that could have been done to save him. Maybe I should be grateful
that I got to spend the last weeks of my pregnancy unaware of the grief that would follow.
So that is my memory of the day my baby boy came into and left this world. Memory is a funny thing. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be one of the few people who can recall every moment of their life. I could see where that could be a blessing and a curse. Somethings would be great to remember in great detail and others you would rather forget. The day Adam was born contained both but mostly things I want to remember in great detail. I want him to be remembered.
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